Sunday, October 13, 2013
So Wake Me Up When It's All Over
Not all those who wander are lost, but sometimes it's so easy to wander from yourself when you feel lost in your surroundings. This week was painful, like waking up to reality and realizing you can't tell the difference between a bad dream and life. We would have been due the middle of the week and I muddled through, breathing deep the smooches piled upon me by a toddler whose heart is achingly large.
It's been good stepping back from social media and the pregnancy announcements that seem so plentiful and joyous. And I rejoice for them, I do. I just hurt and I know that's okay, but I can't talk about it, can't acknowledge that I am anything less than okay. That I'm angry at God and the world. That I feel so green I feel like I'm in the wrong season as these leaves change and flutter down upon me.
I've been busier without the familiar screen distraction. I've cooked and baked and cleaned. But mostly I've breathed. I sit with a hot mug of coffee enveloped in my hands and I breathe in the moment of respite. I laugh with G and it hurts, he hurts, and yet we keep on breathing in and out. E bounces around the bed til early in the morning, giggling and spinning and planting violently loving smooches. And I'm grateful. I'm a mama. The guilt of that, of not appreciating my blessing has hit home hard in the silence without the screen.
I've actually worked on my novel, the one I was supposed to write before I realized that the exhaustion wasn't just off hours, but Nora curled and growing. It feels good to write, to see my characters once again, watch them in my mind like a movie where I don't know the ending but I'm enjoying the story.
I'm enjoying my story. The best ones are not cartoons with bluebirds and rainbows. There can be beauty in that rainstorm that rises and swells around us at times. All those cliches of dancing in the rain I've found to be bullshit, but if you simply curl up and watch, go into yourself and not place demands upon yourself to dance like a fool while lightning strikes down, then perhaps you'll be able to see the beauty in the darkness. The darkness makes it easier to see your own light, to cut out the crap that bogs you down and just doesn't matter.
My uncle commented on the last post that Facebook has allowed him to keep up with and even reconnect with old friends, and I completely agree on that point. But for me, that medium in particular simply became a place where people I don't have huge interest in, acquaintances and friends from the past who share nothing in common with me anymore, seem to play a huge part in how I feel about me. The comparison game that is so easy to fall into and lose because in the end the person you are comparing yourself to is smoke and mirrors and the more we play the more we lose ourselves, our authentic selves, to it.
I love connecting with friends but the darkness has opened my eyes to the constant competition that seems to run rampant. To take care of me and my own sanity I needed to step away and look inward upon what matters most to me. And that answer was not how many likes a post got or how irritated certain people made me. Letting go of that stress for even a week has already been healing.
So here's my update: I'm more productive. I'm more reflective. The chatter box I am has found solace in just sitting without words said aloud. The words that swirl in my head are ones I'm still working my mind around, facing fears of feeling less than even as I snuggle our wee one. I'm coming to grips with not giving a shit, with realizing that speaking my own truth is not a slam to someone else. That my decisions are my own and that there really should be a way to make it abundantly clear that you don't care if someone would choose the same.
Oh, and I totally have been sneaking in t.v. late at night. And by t.v. I mean Julia Child's The French Chef on youtube. Watch it. Even Eleanor is addicted to that woman.
at 9:37 PM